Apollo 13 News

safely returns to Earth

Will attempt to say something momentous

Had been into space as of 2023

Right handed

Is a pilot (but not necessarily for the mission)

Have child/ren

military or ex military background

Isn't white

Chinese Citizen

Is the mission commander

Have a PhD

Male

Will step out with their right foot first

Have 2+ bachelors degrees

video recording is available of them falling over on the lunar surface (within 1 year of moonwalk)

Will attempt to say something momentous, and it's generally considered not to have been momentous 12 months after landing

Will attempt to say something momentous, and it's generally considered so 12 months after landing

Will be recorded (e.g. interview, podcast transcript) dissing moon landing hoaxers, either before or within 12 months of moonwalk

Will have a nickname that doesn't directly derive from their real name (eg Buzz)

Is 68 inches or taller

is 50 years old or older (at time of moonwalk)

Born in a state that majority voted for Trump in 2024 election

Films a tiktok (or similar short format film) on the lunar surface featuring at least some dancing (inside the lander counts) (video is available within 1 year of moonwalk)

American citizen

First moon-words will be a joke (e.g. "oh, did I leave the oven on?" or "hey i can see my house from up here!" or even "oh wow there's an alien life form waving at me!")

No tertiary qualification (honorary degrees don't count)

Will not be a single person; two or more people will take the first step (almost) simultaneously

Christian

Expressed doubt on whether the Apollo landings happened (digging up an embarrassing tweet from when they were 13 counts)

bald

has some kind of neural implant

is 30 years old or younger (at time of moonwalk)

Will be recorded attempting a backflip on the lunar surface (video is available within 1 year of moonwalk)

Ginger

YES

YES

YES